Mouthpiece

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Vampire (and Germ) Killers: Garlic to the Rescue!

Vampires are the worst. When they aren’t showing up in Twilight movies or lurking creepily behind their capes waiting to suck people’s blood, they are lying around in coffins, contributing absolutely nothing to society. Lazy, good-for-nothings. Fortunately, we haven’t come across too many in the past, say, four thousand years that they’ve been around.

What we come across plenty this time of year though are sneezing, coughing, snifflers. And since many vampire scholars (how’d we miss that major?) believe vampirism to be a disease, it follows that garlic, a strong natural antibiotic, would be its cure.

Wearing a necklace of garlic bulbs doesn’t fight off evils spirits (or evil germs) as well as ingesting the stuff. Lucky that we’ve got the stinking rose in every way, shape and form.

Pick your poison and slay away.

It doesn’t get more pure, pungent or pickle-y than Cherith Valley Garden’s Pickled Garlic. Jalapeños in the mix lend some fruity heat to these cloves that are honestly tasty enough to pop straight-up. Fainter hearts might prefer them sliced into pasta salad. Either way, you still get all the healthy, breathy benefits. 

Arm your breakfast sandwich with a couple of crispy slices of 1732 Meats super-meaty, super-savory Garlic Insanity Bacon and you’ll feel an invisible shield around you on your morning commute. OK, to be fair, people might just be keeping their distance from your allium odor, but whatever works.

A cocktail party appetizer like Z Crackers’ Garlic & Basil rustic, crunchy, cornmeal and bran crackers spread with Nyshuk’s intensely aromatic and flavorful Middle Eastern Chili Garlic Sauce does double-duty to protect you from bloodsuckers and those close-talking types.

With 20 cloves of garlic in each bottle, even just a dash of Filfil’s Garlic Hot Sauce No.7 is guaranteed to stop cold viruses (and vampires) in their tracks. Based on a North African sauce called filfil chuma, it’s a little creamy, a bit tangy, a lot kicky and totally dynamite on everything from pizza to tuna salad.

When you’re three deep at the bar during happy hour, sneak a few strips of Slantshack’s woodsy, sweet-and-savory Maple Garlic Beef Jerky from your bag. It will help boost your immune system and repel that drip who might not be sucking your blood, but who’s definitely draining your energy.

Clove up, people, and consider yourself prepared.

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